Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
