i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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