I just made out with a guy for $7.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
