Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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