My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
