sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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