I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
