i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
