Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
please come you make the beer taste better
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
