Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he thought i was a dude.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
