Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
