Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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