textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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