Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
