It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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