Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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