Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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