Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
