I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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