Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
