drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
