didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
