If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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