Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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