I faked an abortion last night.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
