shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
