He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
