I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
