Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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