This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
