the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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