did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
All I want is dick and wine.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize