everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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