I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
