The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my being single is dangerous.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
