If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
