I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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