She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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