Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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