we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
