I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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