first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so let's talk penis.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
