I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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