How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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