I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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