spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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