Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
