she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
