I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
