when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize