just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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