the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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