I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
