Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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