you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
