I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize