Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
