Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
is wine microwaveable?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
