found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
