I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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