Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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