She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
