My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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