yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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