A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
