that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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