My liver just broke up with me...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm too high and old for this...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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